


Life is very long (When you're lonely)

by blondeonblonde



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Asexual James, Asexuality, Depression, Family, M/M, Relationship Negotiation, Robbie is super chilled, Sharing a Bed, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-30 00:29:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13938729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blondeonblonde/pseuds/blondeonblonde
Summary: After a conference in Manchester Robbie takes James with him to visit his family. The occasion is emotionally difficult for James and over dinner they have a long talk about his problems and what they are going to do to make things better.Basically James has a cry and then they actually talk about things for a really long time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a personal story, written for my own catharsis and shared with the faith that it will be respected as such.  
> I know an asexual James isn’t a new thought, his struggles with sexuality and relationships being the backbone of stories about him, and it makes sense to me- I see myself in him. 
> 
> Some years ago, in the grips of depression, I had this experience at my cousin’s house. The only difference was that I didn’t have Robbie Lewis to talk to about it afterwards. I remembered the incident and thought it would catalyst for the pair to have a good talk.  
> I have been wanting to write a dialogue heavy fic between the two of them for a while, and this is the result. Apologies if the conversation is a bit ooc, these are essentially my words and my experiences projected onto James. I don’t presume to speak for any other asexual people. 
> 
> Title is reference to The Smiths song – The Queen is Dead

James had known for weeks that he was only just managing to keep it together, that the possibility of losing control and being swallowed by a familiar smothering blackness was ever present. 

He sometimes felt that depression and anxiety formed the foundation of his world, as they bubbled up at various times throughout his life to pull him into their depths. Mostly dormant but ever looming, he had long learned to live with the milder symptoms. Even if some of his coping mechanisms (those involving whisky for example) were rather inadvisable. Since he’d joined the force it was the job, more often than not, that caught the brunt of it, triggered his self-loathing or his guilt at letting the victims down. Wore him down to the point of emotional exhaustion and then came back to deal another blow. 

 So, when he felt himself growing progressively on edge, in turns melancholic and riddled with the clench of nameless anxieties, he knew he was heading for some sort of crisis. What he hadn’t expected was that the moment that finally broke his composure was not a distressing case, but a quiet and otherwise lovely moment when he was completely off duty. 

In his defence, he thought later, it _had_ been a long week; He’d worked a case for 6 days at breakneck speed and then attended a 3-day conference on evidence collection procedure without a day off in between.

The conference had been tedious and long winded, even for his intellectual stamina, and after his long week he’d found himself almost nodding off in more than one seminar.

Luckily the venue was in the centre of Manchester and as Robbie had also been attending, he secured them leave for the following day so they could have a rest before driving home, as well as spend some time with his family.

James had offered to travel home on his own after the conference but Robbie had insisted that he’d be very welcome to visit Lynne, Oliver and his grandkids. It was a difficult decision. He liked Lynne and her family, and hadn’t had a chance to meet her new baby, but despite Robbie’s apparent sincerity he felt too much of an imposition on the man. Surely he wouldn’t want to spend even more time with him after three days together already, especially when he had his family to spend time with instead.

He dragged out his reluctance until Robbie told him he’d already booked two non-cancellable hotel rooms near Lynne’s house, so he may as well stay up in Manchester for the night, make a holiday of it – even if he didn’t want to spend the time with Robbie. And it was this, the act of a man who knew his own mind, that convinced him at least to visit for the evening after the conference, even if he ended up doing something else the next day.

The last seminar had finished at three thirty and afterwards they drove across the city to the 3-bed terrace in the suburbs and James was welcomed in with incredible warmth. Within minutes he’d been re-introduced to little Matthew as ‘Uncle James’ and had baby Harriet thrust at him to hold. It was hard to work out who was more amused by this, the baby, who giggled in his arms, or Robbie who chuckled heartily at the introduction. It certainly wasn’t James, who felt supremely under-qualified for holding such a precious and wriggly infant.

They were plied with tea and biscuits and ushered into the cosy living room where Matthew was playing with a Playmobil police car, zooming it around the carpet making loud nee-nawing sounds.

“He saw the two of you on the news last week.” Lynne said, referring to an operation they had been seconded onto which had ended with them pursuing the suspect down the M40, “Hasn’t stopped playing with that car ever since. I tried to tell him that it’s not all high-speed car chases but he’s not having it!”

  
“Yeah- Police evidence procedure training isn’t as fun as that!”

“Boring conference then?” She asked.

“Ah, you know.” Robbie shrugged. “Necessary evil aren’t they, got to keep up to date. At least it was up here and we got to drop in on you lot.”

The conversation moved onto how Matthew was getting on in his first term at school and how he was adapting to sharing his time with the new baby.  James couldn’t join in much with the conversation, his in-depth knowledge of many subjects did not stretch to the emotional needs of a four year old. He sat back and let the conversation flow around him. An unusual soundscape, with the undercurrent of police chases, interspersed with whines from the baby when Robbie became distracted and stopped bouncing her on his lap.  It was very pleasant, listening to the family chatting away. But somewhere during an anecdote about Matthew trying to help bathe Harriet he began to feel a bit strange.  Fuzzy, somehow, and far away from the other occupants in the room, like they existed in some other realm.

He felt a twist of emotion surfacing, wobbling and pulsing through his belly making him suddenly restless and shaky. Disorientated and with a sudden desperate desire to hide from everyone, he pushed himself up off the sofa without looking at anyone and excused himself from the conversation. Outside the living room he stumbled down the hall to the small downstairs toilet and managed to lock the door behind him before the real emotion hit.

He was flooded by a terrible sadness. A deep empty grief – if that was the right word, a grief for a life he didn’t have. He groped for the toilet seat on wobbly legs, eyes crowded with tears teetering on the edge of spilling over, and sat down as they started to pour, bracing his head in his hands and clenching his short hair between his fingers to try and ground himself. The tears wouldn’t stop. They poured out of him from a seemingly bottomless well of despair.

He swallowed back the noises fighting out of his throat, taking snatched, gulping breathes between the tears. He didn’t cry often, even if he was frequently on the edge. It’s not that he repressed the emotions exactly, he brooded on them enough, but he’d learnt the dubious art of self-medication. Pushing himself to over-exercise, rowing or running, when he struggled on his days off, or drinking himself into a stupor if it was the evening.  

He had no idea why it should affect him so much, hit him so hard _then_. He’d met Lynne and her family several times before and had never felt anything but a strange affection for her (as the daughter of someone he cared so much about). Perhaps it was his mood that day, although he’d felt perfectly fine at the conference – tired perhaps, but not emotional. Or perhaps it was being so engulfed, so very surrounded with things he’d never have. Perhaps it was the 360 degree, high definition, live experience of domestic family life. The smiling photos on the walls, the child-smudged paintings on the fridge door, the laughter and the verve of the children. Giggles spreading through the house infecting everyone but him. It was in every pore of their house – family, love, children. Every decision made for all of them, every inch infused with toys and crayons and child safety locks.

The more time ticked on, the more other emotions started to surface; guilt and shame that he’d brought his melancholy into this joyful house, and self-pity for his patheticness. Embarrassment too, for a man in his thirties to be weeping in a toilet.  Focussing on these emotions rather than the dark pit within he was able to pull himself together and gradually the tears stopped pouring and started to slow.

James pushed himself up and shuffled over to the sink. He ran the cold tap and used cupped hands to splash water all over his tear-wet face. He rubbed his eyes with water too, then reached for the peach hand towel to dry off before finally looking in the mirror to inspect the damage. His anxiety released a fraction at the sight, it wasn’t nearly as bad as it could be. Being so pale his face reddened easily, but perhaps his earlier efforts to control his breathing, to prevent the absence of wracking sobs, loud cries, had saved him both the indignity of being overheard and of emerging with a blotchy face. His eyes were red and puffy, but you would have to look closely to realise. Robbie no doubt would, for when did anything get past him? But if he tried he could hopefully hide his lapse from his hosts at least. The last thing he wanted was for them to think they’d done anything wrong.

He emerged from the bathroom feeling blank and empty, shaking himself and pasting on a fake smile. The conversation seemed to be still continuing in the living room so he retraced his earlier footsteps and pushed the door open with a confidence he didn’t feel.

No-one made a comment about his extended absence and he slotted back besides Robbie on the sofa, trying to work out what the conversation had moved on to. Lynne started to describe their recent holiday to Wales which gave him some time to reacclimatise and settle without having to say anything. Robbie caught his eye once, questioning and concerned, and he knew his red eyes had been noticed. But James inclined his head towards Lynne as if to say ‘not in front of her’ and Robbie nodded slightly in agreement. James had no idea what he would say, how he would explain how he felt, if they did talk about it, but hopefully he had a couple of hours respite before he’d have to decide.   


	2. Chapter 2

 

By 6pm the little one was getting grouchy and ready for a bath and bedtime, so Robbie and James made their farewells and left the family to their evening routines. The short drive to the hotel was silent, James looked out of the window and Robbie kept his mind firmly on the road.

James had never been more grateful for separate rooms. The past few nights at the conference they had shared a twin room to save the station’s education budget. Thankfully Robbie had the foresight to get them two when sorting out this hotel.  As he slid his keycard into the door he wondered whether perhaps Robbie needed his own space as much as he did after a couple of days of enforced socialisation.

As soon as the door shut behind him he crossed the cramped floor, sank down onto the deep double bed and pulled his arm up over his eyes. The day had left him feeling drained and numb, and he lay motionless on the bed for half an hour running through what he might say to Robbie about it later.

Initially the thought panicked him and made his fingers clench in anxious spasms, but after a rest and a hot shower he could run through a whole imagined conversation without any significant trauma. The problem was of course that Robbie was often wildly unpredictable in his reactions. Acting with unprecedented kindness when it was not deserved, or having irrational, prickly anger for seemingly no reason. He rehearsed several versions of possible answers he could give and tried not to feel ashamed about needing to.

******

Apparently, Robbie had picked the hotel due solely on the menu of the attached restaurant – A traditional establishment that served the sort of old fashioned hearty fare that had been a stable of Robbie’s Northern childhood but was almost impossible to find in modern Oxford. James privately thought the extinction of stodgy school dinners was more than due, but the delight on Robbie’s face as he ordered his steak and kidney pudding was enough to make up for it.

Half an hour later they were sitting in a corner of the cosy restaurant, tucking into their dinner. Robbie had his pudding and James a plate of sausages, mash and onion gravy which had been his favourite as a child. The warmth of nostalgia was a pleasant glow. Even if his older childhood and teenage experiences had been difficult, there was still a kernel of comfort to be gathered from his happy early years.

They still hadn’t really spoken, letting the ritual of ordering their food fill the time.  They lingered over the menu, discussing long forgotten favourite meals from their schooldays, each trying to prolong the inevitable conversation. It wasn’t until they were both concentrating on eating, and there was silence between them, that the weight of what hadn’t been discussed became too much.

James played with his half-eaten mashed potato, dragging his fork through it a few times before he finally cracked and broke the silence.

“About earlier…this afternoon… thanks for not saying anything, I know you noticed I was upset.”

“Ah, It’s nothing.” Robbie shrugged. “I knew you wouldn’t want a fuss made… I did wonder what happened though?”

“Nothing.” James mumbled. He could feel himself become defensive, feel his emotional shields draw up without any conscious prompting. Damn it, he’d promised himself to be open about this, let Robbie in.

“James, man! You were red-eyed in the middle of the day, so I presume something happened!”

“I was sad, that’s all. Happens sometimes.”  He ran his fork through his mash again leaving parallel streaks of brown gravy in the fluffy potato.

“Your ‘existential flu’, you mean?”  

“I suppose.”  He extended his fork to start another set of lines in his leftovers but before the tines hit the plate he set the fork down and pushed the plate away from him. The situation needed his full concentration, not playing with his food like a surly teenager.

The waitress chose this moment to come over and clear their plates. Just as well as it gave James a minute to collect himself again after all but admitting he has tendency to have a cry of an evening. Strange how hard it was to admit to it. He supposed it was a mixture of ingrained masculine culture and half a decade spent at boarding school where any emotion needed to be hidden from the vicious attentions of the other boys. (One of the reasons he had been such a frequent visitor at the school chapel – If you had your head bent in prayer no-one could see your red-eyes).

Robbie cheerfully ordered a dessert and James hoped that would be the end of the conversation.

After the waitress left there was a moments silence and he thought that would be it, topic over, but he was not in luck.  Robbie leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms, staring across at James as he restarted his questioning.

  
“So have I just not noticed before?” Robbie asked. “You excusing yourself for a bit of a cry? ‘cause I thought I was a halfway decent detective?”

He must have used up all of his tact and patience keeping quiet all afternoon. Now, given free reign he was able to attack the subject head on, typical Robbie style. It actually made James feel more confident, comforted by the familiar bullishness.

“I haven’t…no… not at work, not during the day as a rule. At night, now and then…when I’m over-thinking things …” and nursing a bottle of whisky he thought.

 “Want to talk about it?”

James wasn’t sure he did. He was scared to try, to expose himself. He had never really voiced these thoughts to anyone. Not as fully formed as they were now. Various friends and priests over the years had tried to get to the bottom of the issue mostly with no success. But Robbie seemed genuinely interested and if not him then who could he talk to? Who else did he trust, who else would at least try to understand.

“If it was something Lynne or Oliver did then don’t keep quiet for my sake. Just cause they’re family doesn’t mean they are allowed to upset you.”

“Oh no!” James exclaimed, and that made his mind up. There was no way he wanted any blame or suspicious falling on their shoulders, not when they had been so kind, accepting him into their home.  “Nothing like that, Robbie. They were perfectly lovely to me, as you saw.”

“So what happened then? We’re meant to be going back there tomorrow, so let’s get it all sorted now, eh?”  
“Nothing ‘happened’ as such.”  He stopped again, cursing himself for his awkwardness and unsure how to shift the conversation towards something more personal. “It’s a bit stupid, really.”

“Nonsense. If you feel it, it’s not stupid.”

“Are you trying to tell me that my feelings are valid, Robbie?” He looked up and gave him a half smile, twisting the corners of his mouth. For all that Robbie claimed to hate therapists that sounded suspiciously like professional advice.  “I didn’t think you went in for emotional navel-gazing.”

“What I don’t go in for is silly buggers being ashamed of their feelings. I may not be keen on airing them to all and sundry, but I don’t deny my emotions exist.” He paused. James could feel his eyes boring into the top of his head where it was bowed over the table. It was a bit like being told off, but then he sighed and his voice dropped to something softer. “James…Look at me…If something matters to you, it matters. It’s as simple as that.”  

James nodded in concession. It was a lesson he was trying to let himself learn.

 “I don’t know how to explain it…” He paused and tried to find the words to voice what he had been feeling. All his scripted words, carefully prepared in the quiet of his hotel room, had left him. He started again, tried to come at it another way. “None of my friends have families, you know. They’re mostly solitary like me. Single. So I don’t spend much time with children or families….”.

He paused and glanced up at Robbie. “…and this afternoon I was sitting there, absolutely fine, then suddenly it was like… everything got too much, the house, the children, all of you together.”

 “Ah,” Robbie said in a sympathetic tone, “children can be like that – bit overwhelming if you’re not used to them. Never understood how someone so little can create so much noise.”  
That wasn’t it at all, James thought. He shook his head, couldn’t let Robbie believe it was something so simplistic, so trivial as that. Even though it would be so much easier to explain.

“It wasn’t the noise, God knows we’ve been in noisier situations… or even the children really… it was, well the sense of family, I guess.” He tried to put himself back in the house, think about exactly what had triggered the feeling. “The paintings on the fridge, the stories of family holidays…”.

He paused to see what Robbie would say but he just looked back from across the table and waited for him to continue.

“…This is what is so stupid. I was sat in the middle of a group of lovely people all being perfectly kind and I was overwhelmed with this feeling of…well… complete loneliness. That’s the only way I can describe it. My life is such a stark contrast to theirs, I suppose. It just hit me then, what I’m missing.” He looked away embarrassed.  “It felt sort of like mourning for a life I’ll never have.”

“Don’t be daft, man.” Robbie said and nudged him in the arm across the table. “You can still have all of that. You’re not too old to find someone, settle down and have a family, if you want it.”

James made a sigh and looked down at his tightly clasped hands as he spoke.

“I can’t”

“Why?”  


“It’s complicated.”

  
“Does it look like I’m going anywhere?” Robbie asked. “We’ve got time. Got me rice puddin’ to eat yet!”

James’ jaw twitched as he fought to push out his words around the tight spasm of his panicked throat.

“It’s not as easy as that; To find a partner, have a family. Maybe it is for others, but not for me.”  

“It’s not that you’re gay is it?” Robbie replied quickly. “Because you know it’s still possible to have a family.”  
James paused. He should have been expecting that. They’d never talked about the possibility, not since the whole ordeal with Will McEwan, but he knew Robbie realised there was some issue there.

“No it’s not that…Of course I know…. It’s…. well, saying I’m gay presumes that I have a preference. The truth is….” He swallowed and forced out the words. “The truth is I’m equally uninterested in either gender.”

“So you don’t want a partner?”

“It’s not a case of wanting. It’s more wanting to want.” James knew he was being evasive, but the familiar panic had started flickering in his stomach, stopping him from saying anything more specific.

  
“You’re going to have to explain that, James. You know you’ve got to simplify things for me old brain.”

The waitress brought over Robbie’s rice pudding and a coffee for James, who didn’t have much of a sweet tooth. He stretched both hands out and around the large cup of frothy cappuccino and pulled it towards him clutching it like a comfort blanket.

Robbie regarded him speculatively, intrigued presumably by what he was about to say. His apparent investment in the conversation, the fact that he was really trying to understand, motivated James to keep going. 

He took a sip of his coffee and took the time to savour the rich taste before he answered the question. His hands were shaking, and an uncomfortable hot fluttering had started in his belly. Why did talking honestly about anything make him so anxious. Other people managed to talk about this sort of thing all of the time, didn’t they? Relationships, who they fancied? Why did he have to find it so difficult?

Nervous and fidgety, he picked up the spoon and stirred circles around the cup, tracing the path with his eyes as he spoke.

  
“The simple answer?” He braced himself and then took the leap. “The simple answer is that I’m asexual – technically, although I don’t use the label really, I find it unhelpful. But if you want blunt, that should do it.”

  
“Asexual? What’s that when it’s at home?” Robbie asked, shovelling a huge spoonful of rice pudding into his mouth.

  
“It means I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. Or at least so rarely as to be inconsequential.”

“Mmmm?” Robbie questioned, halfway through his mouthful. James took this as an invitation to keep talking. Now that he’d started it seemed easier somehow.

“And it doesn’t necessarily preclude a relationship.  I like sex sometimes, I just can’t fake the enthusiasm required for extended periods. It becomes obvious I’ve no, uh, passion and I find it suffocating trying to maintain the illusion that I’m normal.”

  
Robbie lifted his eyebrow “Thought you wouldn’t be into using a word like that…’ _normal_ ’!”

James scowled and gripped his coffee cup more tightly.

 “I thought I was meant to be simplifying things for your Neanderthal brain.”

  
“Fair enough…. “ Robbie shrugged. “But you’ve been in relationships though?”

James shook his head.

“I’ve never been in a relationship, not really. I can fake enough enthusiasm for a fling or a fairly chaste romance- where it’s not so obvious that I’m not actually interested. I can fall back on a couple of coping mechanisms I’ve developed, a couple of strategies.”

“Strategies? You make it seem like a battle.”

“Well it seems like it sometimes…” He threw his hands up. “I know, I’m pathetic.”

“Not at all…Not pathetic, I just wish different for you.”

Robbie set down his spoon, sat back in his chair and looked at James for a long moment, then leaned forward again, leaning close, elbows resting in the table.

“I, uh, think I might understand how hard it must be to fake it. This may be too much information but that’s sort of why I broke up with Laura.”

“What?” James said. He didn’t see what Robbie could possibly mean.                                                                                                                           
“Didn’t have the passion that she had, did I? The sort that you should have…that I’ve had in the past.” Robbie said. “Turns out I did see her as a friend after all. Thought I could fancy her, went through all of the motions like, but in the end I realised that I didn’t really want her, not like she wanted me. And it was too much to keep to meself, felt like I was lying to her, hidin’ and that.”

James leant forward to study Robbie’s expression more closely.

“Are you ok with that?”

Robbie huffed a self-depricating laugh. “I regret it took me so long to realise. Put us both through something that never should have started, tried to force an attraction that wasn’t there… So I do understand.”   
“Thanks for telling me that.” James said, with real gratitude. It did sound like Robbie understood – had really been listening to what he’d been trying to say, even if he wasn’t sure to what extent Robbie’s experience with Laura mirrored his own.             

  
“That’s ok. It doesn’t get back to Laura, mind.” He gave James a threatening look and pointed at him with his spoon, blobs of rice dripping onto the tablecloth.

“You think after all I’ve told you tonight I’m going to start spreading your secrets? You’ve enough on me to keep me in check for years!”

Robbie dragged his spoon around the bowl collecting every last gelatinous grain. He licked the spoon clean then dropped it clattering down onto the bowl and pushed it away to the middle of the table then looked up at James again.

 “On that note, I should shut up now. I’m probably boring you.” James said.  He drained the last of his coffee and pushed it to the middle of the table causing a satisfying clink as it met Robbie’s empty bowl.

  
“Don’t you dare! This is the most you’ve ever said about yourself and I want to hear anything you have to tell me.”

You wouldn’t, thought Hathaway. You wouldn’t want to hear that I love you, even without the sexual element. He must have looked suitably sceptical because Robbie took one look at his face and pushed away from the table, gestured to the waitress to bring over the bill at told James in no uncertain terms that they were going to continue this conversation however long it turned out to be.

  
They paid for their food and then made their way out of the restaurant towards the hotel lobby.

“So where were we?” Robbie asked.

“I believe I was reflecting on the vast amount of blackmail material I’ve handed to you this evening.”  
“Ah, that’s right!”                            
“Yeah. The habit of crying alone in bathrooms, the asexuality thing, the fact that a child’s laugh sends me into an existential crisis – all good material for it.”

“Actually,” Robbie said as they waited in the quiet lobby for the lift doors to open, “I wondered about the child thing… I mean, there are other options. You could adopt, even on your own. Professional bloke like yourself, big flat, good income. They’d let you on your own, like...”

The lift pinged and stopped Robbie’s rambling. James practically ran into the lift to stop having to form a reply.

“Oh I know single parenthood isn’t ideal…” Robbie continued coming to stand close to James as the doors slid closed, “but if you really wanted ... all I’m saying is it shouldn’t stop you.”

They reached the third floor and stepped out of the lift onto the garish patterned carpet that ran throughout the hotel.

 “It’s not the logistics of it.” James said, starting to walk through the maze of corridors to his room. “Or the mechanics. It’s not really about the children at all in fact. I don’t want _them_ exactly… I just want something. Something more than this emptiness. Nights alone on my sofa and selfish decisions.” It was easier to say it to the swirling patterns on the floor as they walked than to admit that directly to Robbie’s face.

He’d never even wanted to be a father, never even really longed for a partner or to be married. It’s just that he never exactly chose to be this alone either. No-one ever asked him if he wanted this life or one filled with children and squabbling and noise.

They came to James’ door first. He didn’t even think to ask whether Robbie wanted to come in. It was second nature after so many post-work late night bottles of beer to unlock the door and hold it open. Robbie for his part didn’t stop for breath from the corridor into the room, so it couldn’t have occurred to him either.

James crossed the room to sit on the bed and shucked off his shoes.  He pulled himself up to lean back on the tall wooden headboard, his long legs stretching halfway down the bed, and rearranged the pillows behind his back to make it more comfortable.

Robbie went over to the mini-fridge and pulled out a couple of beers, cracking off their tops on the bottle opener before handing one to James and putting his own on the bedside table. He pulled over the chair from the dressing table up next to James at the head of the bed. It was a well-rehearsed routine, moving about each other, sharing the space with ease. James sighed and relaxed back against the head board at the comfort of it.

Robbie relaxed too, spreading his legs wide and leaning back in his chair. They both sat in silence for a minute, sipping from their bottles of beer, before Robbie spoke.

“So… if it’s not children you’re pining for, what is it that you want?”

“What do I want?” James frowned. “What sort of a question is that?”

  
“An obvious one, I’d have thought. And one I hope you’ve been asking yourself.” He fired a stern look at James, who reddened but was suitably chastised to make him think about the question rather than ignore it.

“I don’t know how to say it.”  Or, I do…James thought, but how could I possibly answer that and keep my dignity. ‘Sir, I’d like someone to hold me at night when I feel too alone to survive.’ He didn’t think he’d be able to voice that somehow!

“Don’t you have a nice quotation that will do the job?”

James thought for a moment, cycling through his catalogue of memorised nuggets of wisdom. Several options sprung to mind, but which of them would be honest without seeming too desperate and wretched?

“Well, there is a Charlotte Bronte quote ‘The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.’ Heard that somewhere…seems to have stuck.” He tapped his forehead.

“Ok….so, you find someone to help you not be lonely.” Robbie said happily as if he’d just solved all of his problems.

James huffed out a disbelieving laugh.

“What?” Robbie said.  “You don’t think it’s possible?”

“It’s perfectly possible,” James conceded,  “just not probable. As yes, there is a difference. If I haven’t found anyone in my first 30-odd years on the planet why should I be so foolish as to think that I might find someone in the next 30?”

“Simple, you just need to find someone who wants the same as you.”

  
“Easy as that then is it?” He felt a flare of anger start to burn through his core, voice losing it’s soft melancholy and finding a sharp edge.  He put his palms flat down on the bed ready to push himself up and away, put some space between himself and Robbie.

“I’ll just put out a loneliness lonely hearts ad ‘desperately seeking platonic affection’ or start wandering the streets of Oxford, shall I? Asking if anyone’s lonely enough to consider being involved with me, despite my almost certainly not being attracted to them…”

Robbie put up his hands to placate James, eyes wide and shocked at his sudden flash of temper.

“Hold on… I wasn’t tryin’ to say that.”

“You weren’t?” James bristled, still simmering with a creeping anger.

“No…James…”

It was his name that did it, a gentle pleading that stopped him trying to escape the conversation. He picked his hands up of the bed and quieted, focusing on Robbie’s attempts at calming him.

Robbie rubbed at the back of his neck as he searched for his words.

“I was trying to say…that if you wanted that…that you’ve no need to look that far.”

 “Uh? James leant forward, searching Robbie’s expression for clues. The effort required extinguishing the last flames of his anger. He replayed the last part of the conversation in his head but he couldn’t quite work out what Robbie was trying to say. “This time I think it might be you who needs to be more blunt.”

“Ok,…I meant ….There’s, uh, no need to look through the whole of Oxford, is there?” Robbie took a breath and looked up at James, holding eye contact as he spoke. “When there’s someone interested sitting not one foot away from you.”

James stared at him open mouthed.

 “You?” His heart started to beat wildly in confusion and hope.

Robbie started to fidget and ramble, looking down at his hands as he spoke rather than at James.   
“I mean I’m not the best candidate by any means and I’d understand perfectly if you’d rather trawl through Oxford’s wanted ads, but I thought I should put meself forward, case you need a fall back, like.”

“Robbie…” James stumbled over his words, trying to process the tide of emotion surging thorough him. He didn’t know how to respond, so latched onto the last thing he had heard.  “…You would never be a fall back. I just can’t believe you’d even consider…..”

“I hadn’t before,” Robbie confessed.  “Not really, not like that. Wouldn’t have thought it was a possibility until tonight. We’re good together though, aren’t we?” He looked up at James shyly.

  
“But I’m talking about sharing my life with someone, living together, joint decisions, holidays, sharing the cooking. A family. That’s what I’d be looking for.” James was starting to get agitated again, unsettled by the war now raging in his mind- a perfect solution in theory, he’d loved Robbie for years, but he also knew how wrong things could go if he grabbed this and it wasn’t what they both really wanted. Wasn’t that what Robbie had said earlier about Laura?

He was startled out of his thoughts by a warm hand on his leg. Robbie had leant towards him, elbows braced on the edge of the bed, a solid hand bridging the gap between them.

“James, I know what you’re talking about. And maybe I hadn’t thought about exactly this before, but that doesn’t mean it’s a rash decision on my part.” Robbie’s hand still sat on James’ thigh, a heavy comforting weight.

James gave another incredulous laugh. “You’re not honestly trying to tell me that if I’d have made a pass at you you’d have gone for it!”

He was uncomfortably aware of the heat in the room, the weight of Robbie’s hand, the buzzing of the fan from next doors bathroom.

“No… I’m not saying that…just listen….When I agreed to call things off with Laura I knew that I probably wouldn’t find anyone else. I’d had me second chance and it didn’t stick. I thought I was choosing loneliness and I didn’t know if I could face it. But then I realised I wouldn’t be alone, that you’ve always been there for me, one way or another. So I chose to leave her. Chose you, really. Have done, months ago. And sure, I wasn’t choosing you as a partner then, assumed you’d find one of them yourself eventually, but I was choosing whatever you would give.”

It was the longest speech James had ever heard Robbie make, and he was sure it must have been something he’d had on his mind for a while. It was too coherent to have been cobbled together over the past few minutes. He knew _he_ wouldn’t have the clarity to think that clearly at the moment, that honestly, with the turmoil in his own head over this conversation.  That leant the ring of truth to it, that this was something Robbie had been considering for a while and therefore could talk about it that eloquently.

 “But you said you didn’t want to be with Laura because you were not attracted to her…”

“Yes… because _she_ was attracted to _me._ There was an imbalance there – like you described. If we’re both on the same page, there’s no imbalance is there? No- one is being lied to. No-one is going to be putting up with something they don’t want. Hiding away. Making excuses for not wanting to be intimate.”

  
“I guess not.”

James swung his legs around on the bed so he was fully facing Robbie. His thighs bracketed by Robbie’s knees, slotted together. While he was moving Robbie removed his hand from James’ leg, but when he settled he slid both palms back over his thighs and looked him in the eyes.

 “You’re tempted!” Robbie exclaimed.

“You didn’t think I would be? Then why did you ask? Why take such a gamble?” James asked amazed. He knew he wouldn’t have been brave enough to do so.

Robbie just shrugged. “Figured we’d get past it even if you were against the idea. We always have in the past.”

  
“You’re a braver man than me, Robbie Lewis.”

They looked at each other with gentle smiles, then Robbie slid his hands up from James’ thighs round to his waist and pulled him into a tight hug. They embraced for a long while, despite the awkward angle; Robbie seated slightly lower and James perching on the edge of the bed. Slowly James pulled away and looked up shyly.

“I won’t be a substitute though, for Laura. For a woman.”

“Of course you’re not. You’re James….MY James, I hope.”

What could he say to that except “Yes!”

Robbie broke into the hugest grin and James felt an equal smile spread through his own face.

To earn more of the those smiles it was surely worth the risks. Worth what was to come, the no doubt awkward negotiations of boundaries and adjustments, of having to explain this arrangement to others.

That thought sobered him up and his face fell.  

“Wouldn’t you be worried what people would think?”

“Ah, what do I care! Benefit of being old isn’t it, not caring what people think.”

Robbie was still smiling, but for James all of the doubts of his life surfaced once again. How could they make it work without attraction, his troubles over his sexuality, about his identity, telling people about them.  He dropped his head, unable to let Robbie see his face, his doubts.

“James.” Rough hands slid onto his knees again. “You’ve done enough worrying for one night, for one lifetime, sounds like. Enough bearing your soul. Let’s just enjoy it, eh? See how it goes. We can talk about everything else later. ”

“So you don’t have a problem with what I’ve said tonight?” James asked.

“I’ve problems with lots of things you’ve said….” Robbie confessed, “That you’ve been keeping all of this inside, sufferin’ on your own. That you’ve been so lonely and I didn’t realise.”

He put his head down, looking away from James and closed his eyes. James gripped at the hands on his knee and studied him, concerned. Then Robbie brought up his head with a decisive nod.

“Actually,” he said. “I want you to come and stay with me if you think you’d like that. Can’t stand the thought of you alone in the evenings.” He looked at James with such a deep pleading look, he could hardly disagree. Besides, he couldn’t think of anything more pleasant than sharing a house with Robbie. He nodded his agreement, too overwhelmed to voice his deep gratitude and love for the matter of fact way he was handling this strange situation.

“Right then!” Robbie beamed at him, face now clean of the tension of the past few minutes. “Glad we’re all sorted. Now, shall we find something to watch on tv? There must be an old episode of QI on somewhere.” He snatched up the remote from the bedside table, clambered onto the bed and leaned back onto the cushions stacked up against the head board. James returned to his previous position, legs out stretched, and they sat side by side flicking through the channels and bickering gently about what they fancied watching.

Inevitably, after a long and emotional day Robbie feel asleep on James’ shoulder, something that often happened on his sofa at home. Unwilling to wake him, James closed his eyes and savoured the feeling of being pressed together so intimately.

He woke up what must have been a couple of hours later, the tv still babbling to itself in the background. Somehow they had both moved down the bed in their sleep, searching out the most comfortable position. They were still twined together and as James came back to consciousness he began to feel a pain wriggle up his right arm- Robbie had rolled onto it in his sleep. He cursed softly and pulled at his arm to retrieve it, unfortunately waking Robbie up in the process.

“Sorry” he muttered, flexing his numb arm in front of him to try and regain circulation. “Just wanted my hand back.”

“D’you want me to go?” Robbie slurred, still half asleep and making no move to get up.

“Not really. I was only trying to get comfortable.” His arm had stopped tingling and he brought it down and tried to settle again, but now he was awake he noticed the press of the buttons of his shirt and the tightness of his trousers as he curled up on the bed. “Would you mind if I got changed though?”

Robbie waved his hand sleepily in a ‘whatever’ gesture – his clothes were significantly more suited to being slept in, soft, loose trousers as opposed to James’ tight jeans.

James climbed off the bed and pulled off his trousers and changed his shirt for an old t-shirt before going to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got back Robbie still had his eyes closed but had wriggled properly down the bed and under the covers, so he was obviously fine with more than accidentally sharing the bed. James wasn’t so sure that he was, things were escalating fast and he hadn’t had time to process what had be said between them tonight, let alone the connotations of this arrangement. But nevertheless, he slid in to the sheets and tried to settle. He was unaccustomed to sharing a bed and lay rigid on his back trying not to breath too loudly.

“Will, you relax man!” Robbie’s voice scolded roughly through the darkness, muffled by half a pillow.  “Can see I’m going to have to teach you how to cuddle…”

James turned to face him half in astonishment and half in longing, frightened both that he would carry this out pronouncement and that he wouldn’t. Robbie raised his arm and pulled him in tight to his side. For Robbie this was clearly muscle memory after so many years of sharing a bed. At this point he was barely awake, but it was something he’d offered… wanted them to do, so James let himself relax into the assured hold and fell asleep again almost immediately.


	3. Chapter 3

 

The next morning he woke up still gathered in Robbie’s arms. Warm, cosy and calmer than he’d ever been in his life.

“Well, that escalated quickly!”  Robbie laughed, huffing the words into the side of his head.

“I didn’t expect cuddling, if I’m honest.” James sighed.

Robbie tensed and raised his head to look down at James’ face.

“But it was ok, wasn’t it. I didn’t overstep?”

James gave Robbie a squeeze around the waist, where his hands had come to rest in the night.  
“Yeah. It’s fine. Nice, I mean.”

“Good. Sharing a bed’s one of the best bits of a relationship!”

“I guess I haven’t got my head around this being a ‘relationship’, not in that way.” In his arms he felt Robbie tense again, so added “It’s what I want though, if you do.”

 “I want everything James. Everything you’re willing to give.”

They caught each others eye and shared an incredibly intimate moment, pressed together and feeling the glorious weight of their new connection with each other.

It was another half an hour at least before either of them wanted to break the cocoon, but eventually they had to pull apart, stretch and start preparing for the day. Robbie got up and went back to his own room leaving James to shower and dress in a surreal dream state. Incredulous with happiness and alive with the new possibilities.

He stood through a decadently long shower partially glazed over as a multitude of worries started to encroach on his joy. The impending day weighed the heaviest as he worried about the impact of revisiting Lynne’s – the site of yesterday’s trauma. Would he once again feel overwhelmed by what he felt there? And what would Robbie’s reaction to that be now he understood what James was feeling? He didn’t want to ruin the day or make it difficult for him to spend time with his family in this brief bit of snatched time.

 He also worried about Lynne’s reaction to him if she found out about his new understanding with her father.

When he finally emerged, pink and flushed from the shower he forced himself to push these thoughts to the back of his mind. He dressed and packed his bags and then made his way downstairs and out for a hurried cigarette before breakfast. He was determined to let himself enjoy breakfast, the last moments he’d have alone with Robbie before Lynnes’s and he felt the need to soak up as much of his infectious contentment before having to face his demons.

It was the perfect start to the day. Robbie seemed as relaxed and stress-free as James had ever seen and glowed with the contented joviality that James found so hard to manufacture in himself.  He flushed with embarrassing pleasure at the thought that this could be the start of many such mornings – If Robbie had been serious last night about them moving in together.

They dragged the meal out as long as they could but eventually it was time to move on, to get their bags, check out and make their way over to Lynne’s.

In the car James started to tense up again, the calm of breakfast being replaces with the worries he’d had in the shower. Robbie must have sensed his growing anxiety. He shot several worried glances towards the passenger seat, trying to keep an eye on the road and get a read on James.

“You still OK to come with me today? Never asked, did I?”

“Of course.”

“You’ll be alright?”

“I’ll be fine.” James replied, even though he didn’t fully believe it himself. He really didn’t want Robbie fretting about it.

Robbie looked over and stared him down, ignoring the traffic in front of him until James gave a startled gasp as they swerved a little too close to an approaching car, and he redirected his focus to the road.

“You want to go home – you just tell me, you hear?” Robbie said. “No stayin’ on my account an’ being miserable.”

“I’ll be fine.” James repeated stubbornly. It either convinced him or made him unwilling to discuss it further as Robbie didn’t try and ask again.

******

Once more James was welcomed into the family home with a warmth that surpassed any previous experience. They all went for a walk to the local park, had lunch at a little coffee shop near their house and spent time playing with Matthew’s toys on the living room floor.

All day James kept waiting for the pain to come, the grief to overwhelm him, but it didn’t. At various points Robbie’s hand drifted to his back, his shoulder, his knee -anchoring him, reminding him of this new promise – you are not alone. He was able to enjoy the experience instead of being overwhelmed by it.

It didn’t go unnoticed that he was happier than the previous day. Lynne drew him and Robbie aside whilst the baby was having a nap and Matthew was helping his dad set the table for dinner.

“Was everything ok yesterday?” She asked them both. “You seemed preoccupied somehow, and I mean, you both seem happy today and all, but I just wanted to check things were alright. Nothing I can do to help?”

“Everything is grand, pet.” Robbie assured her. “Had a bit of a stressful day at the conference yesterday, like, but a bit of a rest’s done us the world of good, hasn’t it James?”  

James looked away from both of them, embarrassed and unsure if he could hide the guilty feeling in his stomach. They had rested well - the memory of waking up snuggled into Robbie’s side pulsed inappropriately through his mind.   There was a silence at the table and he realised they were waiting for his response. He nodded, it was the most he could manage, and hoped the conversation would end there.

“I have got something to tell you though, love.” Robbie said. James looked up at him in amazement. Was he going to say something about the two of them? He’d never imagined Robbie would want to talk about it, at least not this soon – before they’d got themselves sorted out.

What he was starting to realise about the man was that he didn’t do things by halves. When Robbie Lewis commits himself to something he goes at it one hundred percent.

“Yes, Dad?” Lynne asked and scooted forward to sit up in her seat, actively listening and fully focused on his face.

“It’s… uh…The thing is… James is going to be moving in with me.” Robbie said.

Lynne looked confused. “Oh, Temporarily, you mean?” She looked at James. “I hope there’s nothing wrong with your flat.”

James didn’t know what to say so he stumbled through a couple of denials “No… nothing wrong with the…it’s perfectly nice flat…But…”

“It’s not temporary.” Robbie said, looking at James and smiling a private smile, secretly sharing the promises of the previous evening. “Well, I hope not, anyway.”

“Okay…” Lynne said slowly, looking between the two of them carefully. James could tell she was the daughter of a detective, he could see her piecing it together. “So you’re going to be living together. Right. That’ll be nice – good for you…both of you…to not be alone.” She smiled at them both and they all sat in silence for a moment. It was a meaningful pause, with more being said in silence than had been vocalised in the whole conversation. Lynne was usually a chatterbox but this time she spoke silently instead -with the warm glow of her smile and the way she leaned in to rest her shoulders on her Dad’s.

Robbie slid his hand over to hers and gave it a squeeze.  “Just thought you should know. So you’ll have someone else now to nag about eating healthily!”

“Hey!” James interrupted, the tension broken. “I eat healthily, thank you very much!”

“Oh so it’ll be the two of you ganging up on me will it? Not sure I like that idea!” Robbie grinned. “Anyway that’s what’s happening with us. Now let’s see what’s been going on with that Grandson of mine whilst we’ve been chatting!”  

He got up and walked through to the dining room to inspect Matthew’s attempts at laying the table. James got up to follow when Lynne put her arm out to stop him. He had a moment of fear that she would threaten him somehow before he realised he was being swept up into a tight hug coupled with a whispered “Welcome to the family.”

 


End file.
